I figured it out. Well, some of it!

I figured it out today
Somewhere between
an unanswered call
(my brother)
And one that was
(a best friend)

And getting dressed
(for summer)
and dashing off
(first to the pharmacy)
I figured it out
(but did not get cat food today!)

 

 

I figured out
that messed up feeling
That feeling of
being fucked up
It’s the loss of hope
That we will ever be able to
crawl out of the hole
We have dug ourselves into

Or one that we fell into
Because of fate
Because of Karma
Because of genetics
Because of our unruly hearts
Because of a past life never remembered
Because God wants it so
Because it is a lesson
Because it is a penance
Because the fucking wound is the gift.

But it’s best not to go into
God or past lives
Or metaphysics
Because that will take us several lifetimes
And we’re still suffering in this one
And we’re better off
Looking at the metaphorical hole
We’re in
Rather than the metaphysical whys of it

I was talking to a lady today
(Five years older)
One I worship like a puppy dog
And we both agreed
We like aging
Because the magazines that are selling you youth
Aren’t telling you about the center you find
The power your earn
The beauty you make
The wars you fight
The lives you save
When they’re selling you
Photoshopped beauty creams
Promising you eternal fucked up youth.

Because those magazines
Will tell you 500 ways to come
Or make someone else come
But they cannot tell you
What you will do with those
Techniques
If you are alone
Or with someone who makes you wish you were.

I stood in the center of the Universe today
(My room and I think I was actually sitting)
So, all right, the center of my Universe
And I prayed
To our Father who art in Heaven
And our Mother, too.
Because I figured out
The kind of stuck we get sometimes
The kind of messed up
That we all feel and
Not many talk about
We need hope to get out of that
A new vision of being
Some inspiration
Because our hearts have run dry

I figured: you let out a prayer and wait
You meditate
Or pet a cat
Or pray to someone long dead
Or reach for Pema Chodron again
Or the new healer scientists who
Teach you to talk to the Quantum Field
You pray or sing or cook
Or weep or sob or dust
But you wait
For the Universe to show you what you need

Sometimes you wait a long time
Like a little being dissolved in a cocoon
With no light, no knowledge, no hope
Like a living death.
Sometimes a second, a moment, a blink
Because light can strike like that
Because life can change like that, too.

In can but it does so
So infinitesimally
That you miss it
That lifting of the mood
That spiraling up and out
Of self pity and such precious
Self misery

The messages are everywhere
Every second
In everything you see
They are everywhere non stop
Making meaning
If that is what you are seeking

I wanted this to be
(And I know it’s not)
But if I had stopped
It would never have been written
But please know
That I wanted this to be
Perfect p o e t r y…